We have all been judged and misjudged, not only by lawyers and judges on the bench, but also in the court of public opinion, as well as by family, peers and even strangers. We have experienced accusations and self-defense. We have been tried and sometimes acquitted and freed, and sometimes convicted and punished. Judgments and mis-judgments, and the punishments therefrom, have been painful and dreadful, and have become part of our way of living in the world. Not only have we been judged and mis-judged, but we have also judged and mis-judged others, as well as ourselves, which is actually the worst of all. We have sometimes blamed others and we have times excused others, and likewise ourselves. We have been concerned with being "right" about ourselves and others, and we have been defensive when someone said that we were "wrong." Defensiveness and retaliation are usually involved with such accusations and judgments.

The whole experience of being here in this group is about judging. You have an opportunity in this 1 ½ to 2 year period to learn about judging. You can learn to recognize the fear element in judging and being judged. You can learn about the possibilities of a non-judgmental way of perceiving the world. Therefore in order to learn about judging, we have to at least entertain the notion that we are glad that we got caught, even if it was mis-accusation. In one sense all accusations are mis-accusatations. In society your are unlikely to learn consciously and directly about judging because in society judging is considered normal, necessary and inevitable.

The state’s purpose in sex offender group treatment is the prevention of relapsing into another sexual offense and perhaps even acting out in a more general sense. But we want you to consider that the more basic purpose here is the prevention of relapsing into judging. You mis-judge your needs when you act out, do you not? You mis-judge your victim when you act out, do you not? You mis-judge yourself when you act like a victim, do you not?

You will have insured yourself against acting out and relapsing, when you have gone to the root of it in your thinking. If your thinking is judgmental toward yourself or others, you will act it out. Therefore, the biggest step in this treatment program is to explore in depth the positive meaning of your offense. You have to move from shame, guilt, embarrassment, denial, repression, resentment and blame, to acceptance, understanding, forgiveness, and gratitude for this entire experience.

Try saying to yourself:

1. I am grateful that I offended or was accused of offending
2. I am grateful that I was, to some degree, mis-judged and mis-punished about my offending.
3. I am grateful that I experienced ego-humiliation about this offense among my family and peers
4. I am grateful that I spent some time incarcerated
5. I am grateful that I have to come to this group, although at times I hate it because I am reminded of this whole offense and judgment experience
6. I welcome being reminded of ego-humiliation at any time, and I welcome any future ego-humiliations that may give me the opportunity to inquire about who I really am when I am not being judged or judging

Sex offenders seem to be the most obvious victims of a judgmental society, but no one is immune to it Sex offenders carry the shadow of a judgmental society. Therefore, because you have suffered the most directly and openly, you have the greatest opportunity of anyone to be freed from the judging mentality, unless of course you don’t get the point and you sink deeper into resistance to the real meaning of acting out.

If eventually you cannot honestly say these six things, without pretense or outrage, then your therapy is not done and you will relapse into further lessons about judging and acting out at some time in the future. But at least you will be more aware that judging is the cause of all human suffering and acting out. If you do learn the futility of judging, you will truly be a free man and you will help to free many others from their felt necessity to act out.

Footnote:

Aberrant acting-out behavior needs to be prevented and contained so that its judgmental roots and causes can be brought to light and changed into more productive behavior for all concerned, including the offender and the victim.