There is only Good and that is all you need to know. All pain arises from the lack of this knowledge. We believe that if we don’t know and aren’t in control we will suffer something bad or painful. Fear motivates all the thinking and behavior which arises from the lack of knowledge of the Good.

Byron Katie

The pain of this fear and this lack of knowledge is the chief symptom of our ignored innocence and divinity. Inquire into your finite story about yourself and the universe and the pain is over.

When you no longer have the impossible job of controlling the universe, then you are free and at peace without having to know what’s next. Whatever is next is Good, because there is nothing but Good, except in our tale of woe. There is nothing but Good, there is nothing but God. This awareness is the true basis of courage, freedom, love and self-confidence. The idea that I should be able to control what happens next is the basis of my cowardice, entrapment, hostility and low self-esteem. If reality is Good, then 95% of my stress and demand to be in control is gone. When I have Infinity Awareness, its beautiful not to "have to know and to be in control." The demand to know and to be in control is a set-up for failure and for feelings of inadequacy. And besides, if reality is Good, why waste all of that energy! It takes a lot less energy to inquire and change our thinking than it does to continually attempt the impossible task of controlling the world and changing other people.

The belief that reality is Good, however, does not mean putting on rose-colored glasses as much as it means taking off our dark glasses, which were givens in our whole lifetime of brain-washed perception. If love and truth are our true nature, and fear and lying are our second (learned) nature, then we can begin to realize that all things which are experienced as bad and painful are just matters of mis-imagination, mis-perception, and mis-understanding.

When I do marriage counseling with a couple, I begin with what brought them into this magnificent relationship. I usually discover that there was an unbelievable common ground, strong attraction, unconditional trust and love, oneness and confidence, friendship and hope. Then I trace what happened to that relationship. When did the first big bump in the road occur? What did the first serious misunderstanding involve? When did they get into conflict and what problem were they unable to solve? What bad and painful thing did they get hung up on? I have noticed that from that moment, one complication built on the next, one misundersanding led to another, and here they are, alienated and stuck. That first serious impasse must now be undone. Whatever they thought was bad and painful must be re-visited and cleared up. It is all Good, even the misunderstanding! Each mis-understanding is a belief about the self which can now be confronted, inquired about and unraveled. When you really dig deeply into this mis-understanding, you will find "I don’t know" and that is the beginning of healing. Up until now, each of them thought he/she did know and that he/she was right, and that their beloved was wrong, and the communication process stale-mated in defensiveness. No one knows the real reason for their conflicts, anger and anticipated divorce.

Tell me, does anyone realize that the real reason for communciation conflicts is that he or she does not understand that everything is Good? That he or she is ignorant of their Infinity? That he or she is addicted to a fictional story about themselves and each other? Come on, we just didn’t know that, and we became victims of that innocence and ignorance! "Father, forgive them, they know not what they do." We have crucified ourselves and didn’t know it. Every marriage is a perfect opportunity for self-realization. Every angry painful argument contains a beautiful gift of potential self-realization. Withdraw your projection, own it, see its self-deception, and become your true self!

How can I say that marital difficulties present a perfect opportunity for self-realization? Marriage difficulties are based upon the experience of inner pain. (1) The language of emotional pain varies significantly with each person. When one partner experiences pain, there may be a reaction of argumentative attack; when the other partner experiences pain, there may be a reaction of silent withdrawal. But the bond they have is pain. Unless they can recognize this bond, they will feel distance, blame and shame, defense and attack. (2) The second gift involved in marital conflicts is the realization that all pain is self-inflicted. One partner makes a critical remark; the second partner applies it to himself or herself. It’s that simple. My criticisms are my business, but if you make them your business, you hurt yourself. My criticisms are about me, and if you reactively apply them to yourself, then you have made them your business. Partners who have not accomplished self-realization are looking for it outside, which is impossible. My mind will not allow more acceptance from outside than it allows inside. I am responsible for myself. The big step is when I change my thinking and the pain disappears with that change. Emotional pain arises from the experience of self-unawareness and self-rejection and ceases with self-awareness and self-acceptance.

Moving from being addicted to our story and its judgments to "I don’t know" is the beginning of inquiry and to the investigation of the source of our pain. Question the conventional wisdom of your story-line (Is it really true?), ask for the Truth (Who would I be without this thought, this judgment?), and Wisdom will answer. I Don’t Know is where I live.

Intimacy is a comprehensive subject. Intimacy is often considered to be just sexual intimacy. But let us imagine a continuum moving from: sexual intimacy > touch-without-sex intimacy > emotional intimacy > communication intimacy > family and friendship intimacy > intimacy with nature > communion intimacy > total intimacy. Total intimacy is our natural state. Physicists call it the interconnectedness of living systems. However, many barriers and conflicts have caused the experience of distance, alienation and numerous control tactics to seem normal. These barriers and inhibitions not only decrease the intimacy experience, but they also decrease our freedom, power, enjoyment, talents, and abilities. We may be functioning at 200 whereas we are capable of functioning at 1000, and that explains why we feel so frustrated, angry and inadequate. What are these barriers and inhibitions that limit our functioning? They are our thoughts, beliefs, opinions, and stories. That’s it! Then why isn’t it easy to change our thoughts and remove our barriers? It is simple, but not easy, because we have attached our identity to our story. We are pouring all of our energy, imagination and infinite powers into our self-limiting and conflicted story. We are in mortal combat with ourselves! We are into a mode of self-resistance if not self-destruction.

How so? First of all, notice what you are telling yourself about yourself, other people, and life in general. What you are telling yourself is your life story. Notice how judgmental and negative that story can be. "Life’s a bitch!" "Watch your back!" "The rat race." "Men are abusive." "Women are the big spenders." "My spouse is a liar." "My kids are lazy, defiant"

"My parents are dumb, strict, mean." "I drink because of stress." "My boss is impossible to please." "I never get ahead." "Lawyers are crooked." "Church people are hypocrites."

"Whatever can go wrong, usually does."

These fears and judgments are simply not true, and they my experience of intimacy. They are just my alienation story. So I ask myself:

• How am I a bitch in my thinking?
• How do I threaten other people’s backs or my own back?
• How am I treating myself like a rat in a rat race?
• How am I abusive, at least in my thoughts?
• How am I dwelling on lack and on big spending?
• How am I lazy , defiant, dumb, strict, mean, crooked, and hypocritical in my thinking?
• How am I blocking myself from my potential?
• How am I not pleasing to myself and others?
• Is it my job to please others?
• Is it their job to please me?

• Am I intimate with myself and others?
• Am I alienating myself from myself?
• Am I scaring myself with my views?
• Do I tell myself that other people hurt me?
• Do I put up barriers of self-protection?
• Do I see how all of my suffering and fears are self-inflicted?
• How am I creating my stress?

If I want to reduce my alienation experiences, my job is to question, examine and take total responsibility for my assumptions, my thinking, my feelings, my actions, my judgments, my accusations, my fears, my expectations and demands, my complaints, and my stress. Other people’s opinions are their business. I cannot change them. This questioning process is my full-time self-care job. Whatever else I am doing becomes natural and easy. To the degree that I do My Job, I find that I am peaceful, kind, efficient, successful and happy. I am no longer into God’s Job and Others’ Business. I am no longer crippling myself with the unholy trinity of separation, lack and entrapment. I am no longer feeling like an angry victim who is at war with the world. My relationships, my health and my finances take care of themselves and flow naturally. Intimacy and oneness are natural. Freedom is a realizable possibility. My control of others or others’ control of me is no longer an issue. Fear diminishes. I am less concerned about losing what I have or not getting what I want, since I am correcting my thinking and realizing that I am an infinite being, one with God, who is everything. That is true intimacy.

Recently I came across a risky investment opportunity, and I began to get excited and fearful. I asked myself "What is this get-rich-or-go broke story that I am struggling with? Is it all illusion? Why so much stress then? Why do I seem to feel every day that I could win all or lose all? Is it true? If I win this round, will I be happier, more secure? If I lose it, will I be more anxious and insecure? If I were a millionaire in 2 years, would that make any difference infinity-wise? What would I be like if I did not believe the thought that I could be rich or broke in the next six months?" This is the kind of questioning process that I use to examine the excitement-and-anxiety stories which seem to threaten my intimacy.

I have puzzled over your statement all week that "My story is not the same as me," she said. What would you be like without the thought that you have wasted your life? I asked. "I’d be happier and less disappointed in myself," she said. You took your assignment and completed it, I said. She began to cry. "I was given something and wasted it," she lamented. "I was smart and creative, but I didn’t follow through and I lost it. I’m a failure," she concluded. Is that really true? I asked. "Other people agree with me. I kept mother until she died and now there is nothing left. I try to control my depression and panic attacks, but I am in a void. I have talents but fear to fail again. Can I just re-invent myself again as I have done many times before? I am too tired now." I replied that depression makes you afraid, and fear makes you depressed, and struggle makes you tired. We are looking for an intervention in this vicious circle. She exclaimed "That would be a miracle! I’ve only had one miracle, and that was when my husband accepted and loved me as I am, and now I am miserable." Our experience of misery comes from our story, I echoed to her again. "I just wallow in my misery and don’t have the strength to quit, though I tire of it," she commented. I queried whether it is safe there? She quipped "Familiar."

You seem to be assuming that it will take great effort to defeat your story, so why don’t we just notice that it is based upon judgments, I said. "I’m a pleaser and everyone says I don’t measure up." I asked how can a person please anyone else, much less everyone! "At my reunion it seemed that everyone else had done as they wanted, but that I had wasted my talents," she said tearfully. "It may be true that they didn’t really care one way or the other, but I made myself sick over it. I want a roadmap out of here." How would you feel if you had one? "I’d try to follow it and then tire of it. I want to go my own way and no one lets me. I don’t fit in." Into what? "Polite society." Is that interesting? "That’s my brother!"

What do you suppose it would be like to live in the now, rather than in the past or future? "There is nothing promised in my future. I fear the future. The past made me what I am and I drag it along with me. The question is how to get rid of it and start over." Your past is a lot of assumptions, and your panic is about the future. "Its my fear of being alone and being unable to cope with that. I never fit in and so I am always alone." If by our thinking we create loneliness, we must still be creative. Silence. If you are a part of everything and think you are not, you could experience loneliness. If you are timeless and believe you can die, you could experience the fear of death. Perhaps you create the idea you are time-bound, and tell yourself that you are not creative.

"I have a lot of pain and self-hatred. I hate everything about me." You don’t know yourself and so you could only hate your self-image. "I’ve created so many self-images for people, but who am I? I like who I am with my husband, but what happens if I lose him?" What do you depend on your husband for? "To bring out my good." Then you must have a lot of good in you! You have been searching so much for your good outside of yourself, you have had not time to look within. It has taken so much of your energy to create a dangerous world and a safe place to hide in it. Suppose this world was nothing but mis-understood love? "Then a lot of people have been killed for nothing and so many lives wasted. At least I didn’t waste my life on drugs!"

You are standing at the door of yourself. Imagine a door with "Betsy" on it. "I don’t think there is a Betsy. I’m not ready to go through any such door, I’d have to take responsibility for me." Are you curious? "Yes but my fear is greater." Are you assuming something bad is beyond that door? "I can’t deal with being alone and being responsible. I miss my comfort since my parents are dead. And if I lose my husband, I’d have nothing." How do you know that? "It is the way I’ve seen it" Are you afraid of change? "I want change and I fear change." Suppose there is an unknown adventure beyond that door? "It would be wonderful if I deserved it." How do you know you don’t? "I’m not good enough." Isn’t that just an opinion? "I’m not nice." It is just misguided love, that is all. And if its all just love with a lot of mis-judgments laid on top of it, wouldn’t that explain why you feel you are not good enough?

"I loved, but I let the devil take over. If I get to heaven, I’ll have to answer for all of my misdeeds. I took on a big job trying to do right lest I go to hell." How do you feel when you believe you did bad, and could go to hell? "I feel afraid and angry!" You are angry?

"I’m angry, so why bother." Are you saying you can’t win? You got the idea you are less than you are. "I’m not adequate for God or for anything else except self-pity and I get tired of that." Self-pity isn’t based on the truth.

Actually Betsy you are doing well. You are right on time. You are 44 and facing a mid-life transformation. Mid-life is the time to question everything in our story. If you say "I don’t know" the door begins to open; if you say "My story is right and I do know" then the door sticks tighter.

After this session, Betsy went home and had a panic attack. She went to the hospital and got some shots. She is on the edge of transformation and is scaring herself that change will be bad. It’s all part of the process. When she wakes up, she won’t have panic attacks and she won’t think she needs shots.